He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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