Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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