Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
