chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
