he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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