how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He shit in the fireplace
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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