Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
