i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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