you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
