just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
