I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
