the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
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Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
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My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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