The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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