last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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