I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
