I think I won the penis lottery.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize