I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
