Screwed.edu
no. you can't hotbox the world.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
