In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
