On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I didn't shave. On purpose
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my poor anus
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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