Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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