The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
