is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
