dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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