tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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