Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
