that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
