I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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