no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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