I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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