just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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