I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
sarcasm needs its own font
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
