When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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