theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
