omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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