im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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