I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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