I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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