He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
