I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
