so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
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The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch