dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
