the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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