The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
