Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
