So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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