doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
