just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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