New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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