Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
