sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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