i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dicks are not precious.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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