listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
